who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
