remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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