Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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