I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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