Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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