Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
