I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
my being single is dangerous.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
