dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
