I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
