I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
