if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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