Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
