i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
