I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
