You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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