Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
