evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
