i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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