dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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