Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
