i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
