I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
