I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
