3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
