then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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