So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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