She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
