Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
