He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
