The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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