new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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