I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
