you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
So many bounce houses so little time
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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