I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
