There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
