I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
And then my night got REAL pukey
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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