I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
