:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
