"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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