woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
