I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
