So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
