Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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