remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
