well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
