i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
