I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
