it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
