I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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