It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
