sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
